going sesshaft still

July 2, 2013

almost settled. one could say. i am integrated, almost assimilated. so to say, i belong. or should belong. belonging. who is it that defines this? that i let define this? define me. justify my existence. my being here.

and now restlessness. it sparks up. here and there. like a slightly nervous volcano. makes my stomache turn and my heart yearn, long, for something. something far and fantastic. something novel and wild. anything, just something new. moving. something moving, inviting to discover.

so i have no mothertongue. thats what is said. the stamp i carry. it makes me angry. how dare anyone categorize. who makes the rules? and so i speak as i speak. my feeling for right and wrong is not the same as yours. i make my sentences as i do. my words carry different meanings than for you. isn’t that what its all about. why do you want me to be like you? how you define language excludes people like me? and again, you shove me out to swim and not belong.

hey lets make our own world. our own language. with no rules defined by people who only live in one place, with one right or wrong. we can mix it all together and let our inspirations be part of us. all we need is to want to understand each other, and where this goes beyond our capacity, we can fall back on trusting that we will always respect one another. knowing the truth is so much wider than we will ever grasp.

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going sesshaft

May 15, 2013

a bit over a year into my experiment in being “sesshaft”. its just an experiment. a two-year try out period. quite an intense experience so far. maybe more intense even than all the adventures i’ve had living everywhere and nowhere, discovering far out places. i was forced to it. to this new go at finding a home. i had to force myself. no more running and searching. as easy that was. now i wanted to face music. a different, a new kind of music.

ok. so whats the situation now. a bit over a year into it. well. for one i feel stronger. also more vulnerable. i now think more before i speak and protest when i don’t agree. no more wishywashy stuff. i still am ready to let it all go, in a second, in a minute. last night our beautiful home caught fire. my roommate turned into a master firefighter. she loves the house and was ready to defend it to death. this i only do for loved ones. the few people i love deeply. and even these i always am ready to let go. i hate this about me. anyhow i fought along. against the fire demon. but i also remembered my love for the temporary. remembering its only a moment that this is my home, and tomorrow, even tonight, it can all be gone again.

schritt zurück

April 21, 2013

einfach mal einen schritt zurück nehmen. raussteigen. die sache von ausserhalb betrachten. locker sein. um dann wieder zuzuschlagen. das habe ich beim boxen gelernt. einen schritt zurück. aus dem kampf, aus der verbissenheit. aus der aggression, die mich so sehr antreibt. der ehrgeiz, die wut, die mich versteift. eine rage, die mich dann beherrscht. einfach mal einen schritt zurück. einatmen, ausatmen. ich komme zurück und schlage zu. diesmal mit lebendiger energie.

how close must we fit

December 6, 2012

how far does it go
you are there
i am here
do i want to move to the middle?
do i want to adapt to you?
must we really adjust as you say?
you are free to adjust to me
i am sorry i can not
do not want
to adjust to you
for if i do
i will loose myself
i will loose my breathe
an empty me
will do no good to you

maybe

May 19, 2012

i take your gaze that softens my heart

i take your words that make me fall appart

i take your touch soft and safe it may have felt

i take it all and wrap in up

roll it to a ball and feel my soul drop

shoot shoot shoot it out with a single shot

and its just not enough

you re not gone

you are here inside of me

and I am just one of many

please go out no life for us

you whirl in the wind

i dance in the air

and this tell me is just a puff

mocking me, mocking us

whats in your heart it cant be near to mine

it comes, it takes, it gives and then it goes

it searches here it searches there it whirls

around everywhere

i felt for a moment sweet

the water the ground giving us a treat

desillusions

May 19, 2012

my heart’s caught in your spider web
you ve lurred me in with pearls you fed
fed me with some sweet sweet crumbs
slowly slowly so i could chew
one by one i followed you
underneath the sweet sweet words
i see now the bait you ve spread
while i was looking at those crumbs
wondering if more would come
it was then that you wrapped round your web
i looked up and saw the threads
immune immune i scream at you
can’t sting me, my time’s not due
my heart it holds a dragons fire
it can breathe and burn those wires
the ones you ve spread around my
heart they have no power let them part

home

May 13, 2012

this is where you re safe & sound
here in my heart there’s loving ground
it will hold you in peace & truth
it will feed you solid food
just lie down its soft in here
drop your soul & all your fear
i will breathe a deep fresh breeze
it will fill your blood with ease
a rush of life will flood your veins
and you will know nothing’s in vain

restless home

April 18, 2012

only a nomad
is it what i should embrace
travelling through
and i always question
should i hold on
why is there nothing that
invites me to
only a nomad
how can i live fullness
in always letting go
not holding on

homesick

April 15, 2012

i ll find you
i ll fly and then i ll swim
i ll dive and feel you deep within
i ll go i ll run
i gotta know is it there where
to where my heart it belongs
where it can breathe and jump
i cannot find it here
i could not find it there
maybe maybe it is the limbo
in the moment in the nowhere
maybe maybe it will find me
oh where shall i fly where shall i swim
i am ready to go
ready to dive deep within

breakdownthrough

April 14, 2012

is this the breakout, the breakthrough, the coming in
am i allowed to jump without hitting ice
jump deep deep to the deep end
is this the breakout, the breakthrough, the moment
the ground splits in two
am i allowed do i dare
see another world beneath
i want to fall into the trap door, taptap
let me down i want to fall
i want to swim
into the home beneath